Shame and hiding and hiding and shame…

I’m noticing a new possibly not healthy pattern emerging in my life…..

We are so committed to bringing our story public but it’s hard. It’s hard for me to do and I’m not even believing Tim is willing for it all to be out in the open. It took 32 years for him to openly confess anything with a pastor present. Now he is fine with me writing about it for the entire world to see? That is a pretty radical change and I’m praying it means that true healing will really happen and we won’t be going any further with an attorney than the quit claim. They say it will actually be a Special Warranty Claim but I haven’t researched the difference yet. Sorry for the tangent…

What I’m noticing is that I’ll write these posts and publish them and then I seem to be going into hiding after that, afraid of the response, the backlash, ashamed…shame is crippling. However…for over three decades I walked this road mostly alone with no one to tell. For much of it I didn’t even know I was being mistreated and believed I deserved it. Oh to have had a voice of reason, of sanity, to walk with me through this. Several are ideal because this is a wretched and draining path. Someone who had gone before and knows the pitfalls, knows what works and what doesn’t work. This has been a lonely road so if I have to go hide under the bed for three days after I share the next chapter in this ongoing journey with fellow sojourners, so be it. Exaggerating, our very high bed would indeed make an amazing hiding place but it is currently stuffed with boxes packed for moving.

Today I am recognizing this pattern and will be checking and responding to many facebook notifications, scary ones! I don’t know what they say! So with courage I will go read my bible, brush my teeth, take the dogs for a walk, feed them and ….go look at facebook…sometime today…

Praying for all of you out there on this broken road with me, begging you to return to favor!

Lord, let my words bless and not curse, speak life and not death, always. Let Your Spirit flow and comfort and forgive and correct and convict us all of everything that is not from You. Father, let me do no harm. I love You and thank You for loving me first, wretched human that I am, Your daughter who You cherish anyway, Sherry.