It just got really real…and unreal…

At Restore ( www.newlife.com, www.rlforwomen.com) I learned that I could request Tim to file a Quit Claim Deed that would release any claim he had on our home while still being legally obligated to the mortgage, as we both are. An addicts behavior can sometimes take a radical u turn that you never saw coming so this adds a bit of security to the situation. Tim has been and still is willing and now even wanting to get that done. He wants me to feel safe.

Things were going so well when I returned from Restore that it became what I thought was a moot point. As various destructive behaviors in this cycle keep re-emerging the need for the quit claim for me to feel safe has become imminent. Tim says he is completely on board and I believe him. He understands that he has a way to provide for himself but I would need to start again at the bottom and JC and Me might never come to fruition in that case. I had been leaving this ball in his court and the first appointment we canceled and then we forgot about the second. He made calls last week and it sounded like it was going to be really complicated so yesterday I called a lawyer to finally get this done.

They said it would be a free consultation to ascertain exactly what we needed and find out how to proceed, they had an opening at 2:00 could I make it? I told them Tim wouldn’t be able to make it by then and I got put on hold. When she came back she said that typically in these situations they don’t meet with both parties because if a separation and divorce follows they wouldn’t be able to represent either of us. Conflict of interest. Now this felt like the rubber hitting the road…is this where we are? Going and getting it done felt like the right thing to do, an empowering thing to do, so I took the appointment and went. I’m driving and thinking, “I’m about to go meet with ‘my’ potential divorce attorney, our marriage could end? The future might really be to go forth without him? I’m meeting with an attorney?!?! To protect myself from the man who is supposed to die for me if necessary?” Reality at times stinketh.

I got done there in time to catch a call from Tim who was headed to Wal-mart but had gotten a bunch of meat on sale and could I take it home so it wouldn’t be sitting in the truck? He meets me in the parking lot of my lawyers office and we kiss in greeting as always and say I love you as always and he hands off the meat and we head our separate ways to meet up at home shortly. This is simply surreal…