…or is that darkness…or is that light? In struggling to overcome and accept our present situation I have dived into tv.newlife.com to try to understand all that has been happening and why and how to recover and so on. To have Tim watch and see the places of abuse and have my symptoms listed in front of us for him to understand the damage that has been done over time and be broken over it is the only place we can begin to heal. Any reversal of that puts me back in unsafe territory, which happened last night. This brought a new tool out of the darkness and into the Light so I’m going to stand on God’s promises to me to redeem us both from it. I’d already watched a segment on Gas Lighting yesterday and had taken extensive notes on it and definitely saw where this had been used several different ways in previous interactions with quite a few people actually. “Keep lying until they believe you” is becoming ever more common these days.
We had a conflict last night. I had sensed it coming and stopped Tim and told him and asked him to please not go there because it was kind of distressing, causing some anxiety. He agreed but later went there anyway. My radar is uber sensitive to deception now and when I reminded him about earlier he went into denial. I went over what I had thought happened and he agreed but then a few minutes later changed it to he never acknowledged and said I didn’t know what I was talking about, that he’d never ignored my request and crossed my boundary. He was very defensive and minimizing. By now my red flags are blurring my vision and bells and whistles are going off in my head and I am horrified to realize that my husband is gas lighting me right there! He’s getting louder and I’m getting louder and having talked about flooding earlier in the day he finally calmed down where we could talk, sort of. The horror of it is this has been going on since before day 1 in one way or another and I’m wondering why I’m depressed?
We watched the Gas Lighting segment by Dr. Sheri Keffer and Tim’s eyes were opened to what he’d been doing to me for so long. The very things he has been displeased with me about are the very symptoms of this kind of abuse. She makes it very clear, it is psychological abuse. I am a textbook model of the result. Get educated in these things, examine these things that your soul is crying out to fix. Our only hope out of this together is Tim’s heart truly recognizing and repenting of what has been happening and that appears to be true. It is often said at New Life that we are to be Fruit Inspectors when it comes to our addicted spouses. Words mean nothing. I am encouraged though by his horror at his manipulation of truth for so long, by what appears to be a truly repentant and broken heart. Pray y’all!