“…out of the darkness and into the Light…” Part 1

I also watched Brene Brown on Shame and a short on Blame. Vulnerability is scary. We’ve made a commitment to ourselves and to our Lord to share our journey so that others may know they are not alone. That means even when it gets really ugly. We believe that somehow Jesus will redeem all this trauma that has gone on in our lives and transform it into something that helps someone somewhere. When I was in the depths of betrayal and rejection I yearned for someone that had walked this road before and somehow come out on the other side. I needed and wanted that but there were few who would even admit they had gone through being betrayed. You could kind of see the look though, the slight tension around the edges and the wariness, assessing any threats… It was interesting that on the way to Restore in Denver I knew which women were also attending as we rode the shuttle. Eyes downcast, a bit hunched as if to protect that place from more pain, composed but barely. We saw into each others souls and were drawn to connect a little, just a little, on the shuttle… That first session I stood near the front of the room and looked at all the hurting souls, moving carefully, unsure of what is coming, not daring to hope. Way too many hurting souls, the pain was palpable, overwhelming. It began in darkness but quickly the darkness was overcome as we began to unpack what had actually happened to us. Light had been let in to our darkest places and we were not alone and there were those who’d walked before there to lead us through to the Light. So if in sharing we prevent one person from anything near what we have experienced it is worth it. We love you and are praying for you. This is for the men, too. Tim is now coming face to face with someone he doesn’t like and it’s hard and it’s worse than we imagined but we are both owning it. For my husband to stand in the truth of what has been our lives up till now and take responsibility and seek help to change, to learn how to never do these things again and admit he is powerless to change without the Lord Jesus Christ walking us through some very dark places we did not want to see, much less believe they were true…that has to be Jesus. Truly it all changed for him with Every Man’s Battle where he began to get some empathy, to see truth…

Back in the beginning of September the Lord led me by various means to John 12 and further on through John 15 or so. I’d been posting about the Holy Spirit and several devos I follow and friends were all speaking about the role of the Holy Spirit in our lives.  I was focusing on this scripture purely from the desire to explain Who dwells within us and wasn’t looking for a message or a revelation from Him who loves me, Sherry. Yes, brother John, I will claim this title as well! It is truth!

23″And Jesus *answered them, saying, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. 24 Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. 25 He who loves his [h]life loses it, and he who hates his [i]life in this world will keep it to life eternal. 26 If anyone [j]serves Me, he must follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also; if anyone [k]serves Me, the Father will honor him.”

There are, on occasion, times when while reading scripture something changes as though to really emphasize something and this is what happened as I read. It was as if I was there in that place with Jesus and His beloved disciples. His love for them and His anguish for them was so very evident as He attempted to explain to them what was about to happen. They would interrupt with questions, almost as frightened children would and that showed they were not getting it as He kept trying to tell them it was going to be horrible but that it was the very best way! That the work they had done together in His ministry was going to be multiplied exponentially but He had to die this horrible death to pay the penalty for our sin first. He’d then be able to return to us as the Holy Spirit so that all could receive His gift and join His Loving Family. Jesus knew the pain and doubt and fear that was coming and He was trying to make it better. Oh how He loves us…Oh how He loves me.

As events began to unfold that week and the next, in three separate blowups that have been horrible triggering events, it has become clearly evident to me that Jesus was telling me that He is and was heartbroken about what I was about to go through, am still going through. It was something that had to happen though, it all had to die in order to have the possibility of living and He was showing me that as well. Essentially, two blow ups were almost two weeks apart and they indicated how far we have not come and have triggered me horribly and shown me that I am not in the safe place I’d thought. Smack in the middle there was a family blow up which we were not equipped to deal with and essentially every sacred relationship is extremely damaged, seemingly beyond repair. It has to die to live, right? Our Jesus’ paradoxes are amazing and I will trust Him though the reality of this world has changed yet again. I’d rather fall down now in truth than continue walking in a lie.

First appointment with my therapist after these events was more like an hysterical retelling of three traumas but the next we got to talk about it all more calmly, sort it all out a bit. Near the end of our session I asked the question, “Am I a narcissist?” She asked me why I would ask that and I told her that I’m often accused of being all about me, being jealous, not seeing things right, analyzing too much, etc. She said, “No, you are not a narcissist, you are a victim of ….” What? I’d watched the segments on tv.newlife.com about Narcissistic Victim Syndrome and spotting a narcissist and so on, all in the light that I was the narcissist. I was fully ready to accept that this was who I was and that I’d done all this damage to my family because I could then fix me, who everyone has said is broken. Yes, I am broken and I don’t need anyone else to tell me how broken I am anymore. This was the day of my last post because I just couldn’t talk about it. Tim could be a narcissist? I’m a victim? What? I’m not the bad guy? Throughout our relationship everything that was wrong in our world was my fault, this was slow and subtle and in the beginning I had some fight but after the first big affair I just started taking the responsibility. I wasn’t a good wife so he had to cheat. Over time and much more heartache I began believing that our family would be much happier without me. I need medicine and take up resources and make everyone angry, of course they’re right, it’s all my fault, I’m all that is wrong in the world of those I love most. This has rocked my world, Tim’s world, this horrific truth, which as we learn ever more kind of just gets worse…