Yes, Jesus…

Right about now, during the altar call at the end of an 11:00am service 38 years ago, I said “Yes, Jesus, please be my Lord and Savior.” Did I have any clue what that meant and what that would look like? Not a one. It has been a journey, an uphill and a downhill and a roundabout journey. He had much sin to dig me out of. I am thankful for my periods of ignorance during my walk with Him. I am mortified now at the way I used to think, the way I used to act…and that was last month, lol! His mercies are indeed new every morning and I am finding more and more out about Him and His ways every day. There is no end to the depths of God and after 38 years I’m still in the baby pool!

This day I remember with great joy, it was the best day of my life, the defining moment of my life. All was in shadow before that day. I can’t imagine living in this world without my Jesus. Please say yes to Him and make Him your Jesus. You are already so loved and wanted. Just say yes. He will transform your life but first He wants to deal with your sin. He paid the penalty on the cross for every human being who will receive it. There is none too bad, too wicked, too sinful to be saved by God. His blood at the Cross has covered it. He died knowing your name, my name. He rose again on the third day and taught among us until He ascended to the right hand of the Father where He sits today making intercession for us.

This thing that began so long ago in me was not a commitment to certain rituals and to attend church every Sunday and so on. It was the beginning of a very personal relationship with the Creator of Universe who died to make that possible. There is nothing about me He doesn’t know and it ain’t cause I told Him either! There is no where I can go to get away from Him, He is everywhere. I’m so thankful He is because why would I want to be anywhere He isn’t? In His hands is where I want my life and the lives of those I love and the lives of the whole world actually and that is not too big a prayer to pray because He is a REALLY BIG GOD! It is also His will. In His love He gave us free will. How valuable would our love be if we had no choice? Choose Him, you will never regret it. He loves you so much and wants to teach you His ways. Say yes, please.

Sherry, Daughter of the Living King



The places He takes me…

I had the homepage here pulled up on my computer and was pondering all that the picture of the surfers paddling against the waves represents to me. The quest, the struggle, get past the rough water to gain control and get ready to catch the epic wave that will bring great joy as it swooshes us toward solid ground.  That’s just one, the dark clouds on the horizon indicating more rough water…I could go on. We never met these surfers, one was a girl. She was amazing! I’m so thankful for them and their quest that morning, so thankful that my husband was framing up this beautiful image that has so encouraged my heart.

I have prayed often for these surfers and for everyone entering the waters surrounding Hatteras Island which led me to think about something within another thing I have not shared yet with anyone but Tim, the kids, and my therapist. There’s more to the back story but I want to share a prayer I wrote inspired by these surfers and others we’ve met and heard tell of who work and play in the waters surrounding Hatteras Island and the Outer Banks.

“Father, I thank You so much that I am walking on this sand right now, that You have brought us to this place just as You said You would. Your purposes will become clearly evident, I know, as we allow You to light our path each day. I pray for the safety of all who enter these waters today and always. They will enter to work and they will enter to play and I beg Your protection on each and every one. Let them heed the warnings and take wisdom with them. I ask that You work in each life here on these islands and throughout the world. It is not Your will that any perish but that all come to know You and I ask that right now for the entire world. Use me Lord as You will to accomplish Your purposes here on this earth ‘til the day You call me home. I love You, Lord and I thank You, Lord. As always, You have amazed me.
In the name of Jesus, Amen.”

The Great Physician, the Ultimate Healer, kept urging me to write about when we finally make this move He has told us to make. I can tell it’s Him when an idea or a thought won’t leave me alone and He wasn’t leaving me alone with this urging. It just kept coming back. I was in a stuck position, seeing my therapist, participating in group, but I couldn’t seem to get unstuck from all that has happened. Of course it took me quite a while to finally obey Him but when I did! At a certain point I believe He took over and my fingers were flying and I was sobbing and all these words just poured out into the computer and it was just one of those times when God cleans you out. He had me relive some of the horror of what has happened and then with this task He made me see I wouldn’t be stuck forever. He literally poured hope into my soul through this exercise. Not just hope, but HOPE! Excitement! Anticipation! He is so good.

I took it in and shared it with my therapist at the end of the session. We didn’t have time to talk about it that day but she said she had been drawn in. The next week I took to her what I had at that point and apparently it’s not bad writing and she encouraged me greatly and gave me some really good advice which I have not yet had the courage to follow although telling y’all about it will be a stepping stone.

This prayer, written after the emotional cleansing part when I was actually imagining my first day on the island with Tim at work, is in the first chapter of what will hopefully become a whole book. It is written as fiction but it is from the depths of my soul. When I read it I pray it and it is my heart.

I am begging for prayer from any and all who would give it. Prayer for our continued recovery, to get this house to market, to do His will and not get distracted! To write this book if He want’s it written! My next therapy session will be like the tenth since she gave me that advice and I’ve yet to follow it although I really want to. I am afraid. So pray for courage to do what I need to do regarding this book thing! Thank y’all so much. I am grateful.

We are so excited!

We just ordered the “How We Love” Couples Group Leadership Kit! Milan and Kay Yerkovich shared much from their book “How We Love” at Intimacy in Marriage and it greatly impacted both Tim and myself. We both see what they are teaching as the key to understanding why we act the way we do and then they tell you and show you how to fix it!!! In the most amazing ways! The very first night at IiM, as they gently introduced us to these concepts, places in my soul that were sore and painful began to gently be pressed and I began to see things about myself that I’d never seen before. Tim as well. He found out at the intensive that one of the reasons he gets real antsy and anxious toward the holidays was because his dad was in the Navy and many times they were eagerly anticipating and preparing for him to be home only to be disappointed time and again. Tim was the youngest so he didn’t know all the details, just that his dad didn’t come home for Christmas even though he’d thought he would.

The things that happen to us as young ones affect us now. I used to tell the girls in the youth group to watch how a young man treats his mother because this is likely a picture of how he will treat you when all the excitement wears off and y’all settle into being a family. I’ve seen this play out as truth, in both directions. If things aren’t right it doesn’t have to stay that way. We owe it to our children and grandchildren to get it right as we experience this journey. Even if we’ve gotten it all wrong up till now. I joke that Tim and I learned so much about walking with God because we made about every mistake there is to make but the reality of the experiences wasn’t funny at all. We did many things wrong and have suffered greatly for it but the beautiful and amazing and wonderful thing is that somehow God has rescued us out of each one every time! How many times can I fall that my Savior doesn’t pick me up? It is in our messes and in our brokenness that we experience His comfort, His forgiveness, His teaching, His mercy, His grace, His truth…we experience HIM!!! He patches us up and He makes sure we’ve learned the lesson and He then sends us on our way to be about His business again! He knew where we were going to fall and He knew where He was going to pick us up. Oh, how He loves us…

Sorry, a bit of a tangent there! We are so excited to see what God will do through this teaching. Marriage workshops could very possibly be a part of JC and Me and we need a great curriculum for that. What better than something that has already impacted our entire family in ways beyond all we could ask or imagine? All the work is done, too! At least that part of the work! Lol!

We figured that if we wanted to help people for the Lord that the place to start was in the family and adults getting ready to form families. Jeff Bogue at Momentum said once in the staff meeting that when he was leading youth it was more important to him to get around Johnny’s parents than it was to spend time with Johnny. As a youth leader you might get an hour or two of Johnny’s week but Johnny’s parents have him all the time. Their influence over Johnny will have a larger impact than yours and if they are doing it right Johnny will be in good shape. Johnny’s family begins with a marriage, from two whole people joining together as one with God. We need to be whole people and to do that those wounds we carry need to be dealt with. Those wounds can become weapons and strongholds in all kinds of dysfuntional ways, it’s important to get them healed up once and for all.

We are so excited and anticipating all the Lord is doing and will do! Kind of like as a child counting down the days to Christmas!

“…the dawn of a brand new day…”

I filled another journal and started a brand new one on February 15th, which is the day I took this picture and began this post. There is something about a blank journal and a fresh pen that is so exciting, new days, new thoughts, new ideas, new revelations, to be recorded on all those beautifully blank pages.

It seems as though we’ve been and are going through the Refiner’s Fire, for real. There were days I didn’t think I was going to make it, facing all the loss, grieving all the loss, our future together uncertain. From where I’m sitting right now, believing that the worst part of this particular storm is over, I think I can say with truth and conviction that I wouldn’t change a thing. It is this very heartache we’ve been in recovery from that gave me and now Tim this living, active and vibrant relationship with Jesus. If I hadn’t had to cling to Him for the next breath I wouldn’t know how He holds me till I can get it in and out. I wouldn’t understand washing His feet with tears and the sweet rescue from my Savior who loves me so. I wouldn’t have received His supernatural peace and comfort and I wouldn’t know how real He is.

We are so excited about what God is doing in our lives and it’s time to get moving forward in new and exciting ways. Jesus is still illuminating just the next step and that is fine. He is teaching us to trust Him. A few months ago, I was telling my therapist about this blog and how we want to help other people struggling with the same thing and she asked me “Do you want ‘JC and Me’ to be defined by recovery from sexual addiction?” Screaming brakes and skid marks!!! Do I? The truth is a resounding “NO!” We want JC and Me to be about JESUS and the things He cares about. We want JC and Me to be a place of joy and worship where we celebrate the gifts and talents God has given us, where we can live life in community with each other with Jesus at the center of it all.

He wants us to be His hands and feet just as He wants all His people to be His hands and feet on this planet. We want JC and Me to be about Reconciliation and Restoration as well as art and craft, wind and wave. Reconciliation first with our Creator and then to whatever else is going on in the people He brings into our lives. The brush with the canvas and the potter to the clay. The desire to learn with the qualified instructor. The leaky faucet with a new washer. Whatever the Lord brings before us. The reconciliation of a husband and wife and the restoration of their marriage and preservation of their family.

When we started this blog the intention was to have it automatically post to our Facebook page where it will reach more people and then we were going to share it to JC and Me. April’s question to me halted that. For a little while. Not long ago I watched “Doing Life with Jefferson and Allysa Bethke”‘s show on addiction. They have several really good animations to illustrate things on this show and in one of them it said that 85% of young men watch or have watched porn. This freaks me out people. Pornography wrecks and wipes out the family and if our young men are viewing this they are setting themselves up for a very broken future. Then there is human trafficking because there is so much money to be made there aren’t many women willing to meet the demand so they are stolen or lured into situations they can’t get out of. Souls in exchange for dollars. That’s another post.

“There is a way that seems right to a man but it’s end is the way of death.” Proverbs 14:12

Watch “The Heart of Man”, it’s on Netflix now.


Because of the destruction going on in our world we need the truth to get out there so I’ll be blitzing our FB page and then the JC and Me page with all these blog posts. Lol! Please feel free to share them, they weren’t sharable before for some reason but I believe that is fixed. If what we post will help anyone please share. I felt so alone on this broken road and I am so not, it’s just that no one is talking about it.





My name is Sherry Pogar

Hello all! I’m writing this to let people know that my name on Facebook will now be Sherry Pogar, not TimandSherryPogar. We are together and we are committed to one another in a way we’ve never been before. To have both our names is kind of not truth because Tim doesn’t get on Facebook. It’s just me. We made this decision months ago mainly because if a woman wants to contact me about something she likely won’t, knowing that Tim might see what she is sharing. Even being TimandSherry he doesn’t look but we do want those who may need help to know they can speak to us individually in confidence.

The other reason we are changing this is because one of the consequences of this brand of sin over a long period of time is a loss of yourself, the betrayed spouse. It is important in marriage to be two whole people, not one existing for the sole purpose and pleasure of the other, with their devotion dependent on your performance.  I have struggled with the actual doing of it though. Tim and I made this decision together. We’ve told our children and older grandchildren. I’ve discussed it with my therapist and small group and everyone seems to think this is a great thing, but it has been a difficult switch to make.  To separate our names on Facebook shouldn’t be a big deal but somehow it is. Is it that I am afraid to stand on my own? Even though our marriage is better than it’s ever been? I’m not certain what the struggle has been but today we make the change.

If you want to contact either of us, Messenger is not always a reliable way. We’ve just set up the email system for this site but there are a few kinks to work out. Our email addresses are:



I still have and we still have Tim emails with various men in the battle and I do not open the emails. Just in case the new ones don’t work yet.

Which way will you choose?

What I’m about to share I wrote in a private email but I keep feeling like it could be helpful to a spouse struggling to honor their marriage as well as the betrayed spouse. After reading it again, it occurs to me that this can be applied to all sin. We have choices to make every hour of every day, who will we serve?

“…I just want you to know your value and how valuable you are to God, so valuable He wants to protect you as well as bring back His prodigal son. If the prodigal had brought his wild living back with him to go on at his fathers house the story would not have been the same and there lies the difference, I think. In Touch Ministries “Today on the Radio” contrasted King Saul and King David. It was so good and y’all should listen to it. Both men began as faithful servants of God, chosen by God, both men sinned greatly against God but Saul chose fear and jealousy and insecurity and did not repent but became even more disobedient. David, on the other hand, through Nathan, saw his sin and was heartbroken over it and he had genuine Godly sorrow that led him to a repentance and restoration to the Lord. King Saul killed himself after the death of his three sons in a battle where all was lost. Through King David came our Jesus the Christ.

We need our husbands to choose the way of King David, for us and our children and grandchildren yes but for our husbands as well. If I had had the courage and knowledge to throw down the appropriate boundaries years ago I wouldn’t be in the state I’m in. Our family wouldn’t be in the state it’s in. My son’s did not see their father honor their mother and they have wives and children of their own. We aren’t the only ones it hurt though. It hurt Tim. My passive anything goes I’ll love you forever, allegedly submissive, actually allowed him to continue in his sin. He sunk to new levels of depravity as I allowed him to continue to blame me and he went back to some form of adultery every single time. He’d repent and walk the walk of a man of God, leading and participating in all kinds of ministry and then out of left field I’d make a discovery and our whole world would implode again. That is the responsibility I bear, passively allowing sin to continue, thinking I was being Jesus to my husband. Jesus response to the moneychangers in the temple seems like a more appropriate response, huh? They were defiling the temple of God and Jesus was angry. Aren’t we the temple of God as the bible teaches? Are our husbands defiling their own temple and ours when they go outside of marriage? Do we stand by and allow it to continue? Jesus didn’t and He was the one to set the higher standard of not even to look at a woman lustfully. That is adultery and under the law, punishable by stoning, I believe, and in place at the time of His words. Disclaimer: I feel confident that the Lord does not want us to prepare whips to beat up our husbands. However, He does want us to work with Him to bring our husbands back to Him, set appropriate boundaries, do what will bring about the Godly sorrow that leads to genuine repentance.”

I’m hoping this is helpful…


If you have been betrayed…

It has occurred to me often recently that while our motivation for sharing our story is to help other people who find themselves on this road, we haven’t been very concise in our attempts. I’m staring at this picture trying to figure out how to even start. The moment of recognizing that your spouse has violated the sacred vows of your marriage is a sudden shifting from one reality to another. In those seconds your soul reaches backward to the seconds prior when you thought you were in a beautiful and committed relationship but the reality will not leave. Suddenly your entire world has gone dark, everything you believed about your life seemingly just became a lie and we reach backward again to deny the facts. There is no respite because there they are and as you proceed to confront your spouse you find yourself in the land of no return. There has been a shift in your time and space continuum that has you zoomed in to examine every detail about your lives together, what was real? What was a lie? Is there evidence? Oh my Father there is evidence! Anger and “How dare he/she?” You, your spouse, your life…will never be the same again. You will survive, it will feel like you won’t. I have been meandering my way through this for over 30 years and have responded in so many ways that just caused further destruction, prolonging Tim’s sin and my agony.  We learned the hard way and much damage was done but finally we are on the right road. It is our heart to spare you as much heartache as possible by sharing our story. We are still on this rocky road of recovery and we will never be finished. There are consequences to sin. There is also the beauty of my husbands broken heart over his sin, which has led him to Godly sorrow and that has led him to true repentance. I never believed it was possible, a friend today called it a miracle and it is. The Lord led us to the right people who actually knew what had repeatedly been happening in our marriage. They also knew how to deal with it and I finally did what they said to do and Tim finally did, too. You are crushed but there is hope. Hope for something so beautiful you can’t even imagine it now. I didn’t even know marriage so beautiful existed.

There are some things you need to know/do first:

  1.  Hit your knees in prayer. You are beginning to experience the most excruciating pain of your life and our Lord God Almighty weeps with you. He sees you and He sees your pain. When marriage vows are broken it is like a literal ripping of flesh. God has joined you two together and your spouse has torn away. It is not a simple intellectual thing to get over. The Lord loves you and will lead you through this in ways no one else can. You must rely on Him. Please read 2 Chronicles 20. This battle is not yours, but God’s. The sanctity and preservation of your marriage is Gods will, He is right there with you in this and on your side. Talk to Him, cry to Him, yell to Him. He can handle it and He already knows what you’re thinking and feeling. Turn to Him.
  2. You cannot do this alone. You don’t want to do this alone. If you have a rare disease you go for treatment to a specialist, someone who knows all about your disease. What you don’t do is treat yourself day after day hoping your home cures are going to work. You also want to go to a doctor who has had success curing the disease, not one who has never succeeded or only treats the symptoms.  After repeated betrayals and going to the wrong doctor each time thinking we were cured we have finally found the right doctors! Call 800-NEW-LIFE. I don’t think they are 24/7 but call. Tell them what is happening and they will tell you what you need to do. Do it. New Life Live is on every weekday at 1:pm here around DC on WAVA, 105.1. Listen and you will hear people just like you get help. Their website is and is an excellent resource for understanding exactly what is going on in your marriage. You can call their radio show when they are recording live as well, 800-229-3000. You have just experienced a trauma. You need counseling and support. You cannot do this alone. Don’t fool around, call them, please. I trust them and we are not paid by them. If not for them we would most likely be divorced.
  3. You cannot do this alone. In Tim’s early betrayals we had 2 and then 3 young sons. Somehow the world keeps spinning although yours has just blown up. There are going to be times when you will have difficulty performing your normal tasks at home and at work. I used up all my leave a little at a time. If your children are young there is the stress of trying to make them feel safe in a horrible situation. You cannot do this alone and my prayer is that you have a loving and safe support system in addition to the professionals you are now seeing to help you walk through this. Family, friends, people you trust who love you no matter what who are willing to be at the other end of the phone when you feel you can’t hold it together any more. Not too many. More than one because there is no way one person can give you the support you are going to need. In a perfect world, you and your spouse are in individual counseling and in support groups, individual and together. You need people around you to check your sanity. When an addict is defending their drug there can be much smoke and many mirrors and reality seems a shifting thing at times as they live in the denial and try to convince you of a false reality.
  4. No matter what your spouse says this is not your fault. A cheating spouse is full of guilt and shame and they need to justify their sin to feel better about themselves. They can blame you and tear apart your entire life to show how right they are to break their marriage vows. Do not believe this for one minute. There may be issues which there are in every marriage but adultery is NEVER justified. If there are problems you go get help to fix them, you don’t take up with someone new. Do not receive this lie.
  5. Fix it right the first time. Whether it’s pornography or the escalation of behaviors from there, these are symptoms of a deeper problem. With the continuation of these behaviors comes a descent into depravity no one intends when they start. As each line is crossed the next one becomes that much easier to breach and there is no end to the depths one can fall if something doesn’t change. The first time for us we sought no help at all. The second began the almost lifelong examination of my failures as a wife which was making my husband need to cheat. This enabled him to continue in his sin for over three decades. It wasn’t perpetual betrayal but he had come to hate me and treated me horribly. He blamed me for his need to sin and the various pastors and counselors over the years reinforced this false belief, further enabling Tim to feel free to sin. Don’t go down that road. That’s why I don’t say call your pastor or even a local counselor first. New Life Ministries has a network of counselors that are well schooled in how to handle this the correct way. Listen to them. Nothing changed in our marriage until we had the courage to do what they told us.
  6. Trust God for the money to get you and your spouse the help you need, now not later. There is Every Man’s Battle for the men and Restore for the women and Intimacy in Marriage for both and there are scholarships and God will provide what you need to get there. We continue with Sustained Victory and I am on scholarship for now while Tim pays in full. I am in individual counseling and Tim was going up till the holidays. He is going to resume. He also attends SAA once weekly because the New Life Group meets on the other night they meet. He used to go twice a week. That is by donation. He just got his one year chip!!! Trust God to provide and call them and tell them you need help. He doesn’t want this to continue, it destroys His children. There are people who have been healed and restored and who give so that others can be, too. We hope to be able to give lots in our future because someone else gave to us and we are now a whole family with a hope and a future beyond anything we could ask or imagine.

…the Journey Continues…

Wow. My last post was October 24th! I have not been idle, just not public. Tim and I today stand amazed at all that God has done, all that He is doing and all that He will do. We have a watery concept of His plans but not the itinerary! Lol! Sort of. We know to finish packing this place up and finish the few remaining projects and put it on the market for spring. We are confident the Lord will lead us from there. We know that He will not waste what has gone before and we are willing servants for Him to use as He will.

In the picture I included here are my latest journals. They represent this time of what we are now seeing as preparation for something. In them are sermon notes, design ideas, actual working drawings for some of our projects, thoughts, letters to God, prayers, doodles, you get the idea. The top one started a month after we felt strongly that the Lord wanted us to sell our home and downsize to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. We were to start a shop there and we were not to borrow money to do it. This began the completion of pending projects and new ones to make the house the best it could be and do the best we could to make the move. At first I’d have to go and he’d stay here in the week to work but we knew the Lord was going to provide us with what we needed in order to accomplish His will and purposes. While we thought this was something that was going to happen very quickly the Lord had other plans. In January I discovered that Tim had been looking at pornography again. This in itself sent me into a spiral. Here I was joyfully preparing to do the Lord’s bidding, three fourths of our stuff packed and now… This was not the first betrayal in our marriage but I’d believed that we had been truly restored and were actively pursuing the Lord’s will for our lives. Our world, my world, imploded again. I found and still go to a Certified Sex Addiction therapist. Just a side note, I had no clue how wrong I’d been about our marriage. It was adversarial and abusive and I’d accepted that as the way it should be, a good marriage. The former is but a shadow of the latter…

The middle journal began the weekend Tim was at Every Man’s Battle in Atlanta, GA. Because He was going I had a glimmer of hope in a very dark world so I purchased a brand new journal. I’d put it off although mine was full but I’d drawn so far into myself in pain that I’d stopped writing for a bit. I’d nearly lost hope altogether for our marriage when Tim said, “Do you want me to go to Every Man’s Battle?” I said yes but money always was the factor but with a scholarship from New Life and our airline credits and a bit more he went and I felt in my soul real hope.  No clue I had let me tell you. He came back broken over what he’d done to me, to our marriage, to our kids. I never thought it would happen but God is that good. Better even. Still, the damage that had been done over our lifetime together was still there. I was a very different person because of it. I had been changed because of his sex addiction, not for the better, I’d lost myself almost completely. At the bottom of the pit, Tim arranged for me to go to Restore. It is New Life’s intensive workshop for women who have been betrayed. I came back a stronger woman, a woman who knew she had choices and power in our marriage and that if things didn’t change I didn’t have to endure it one minute more. My choice. I also came back with sisters whose stories were the same as mine, just the details were different. I was not alone, this is destroying many lives everywhere. We still didn’t know how to deal with each other, though. We still hadn’t even begun to dig out the things that had been festering in our marriage so long. As the weeks went by I was beginning to believe our marriage was beyond restoration. How could I really trust that things were different? They didn’t feel different!

Again, at the end of my rope, we went to Intimacy in Marriage. I want to tell everyone that New Life provided scholarships for each one of the intensives we attended and we are and will be eternally grateful. We’ve become acolytes of New Life Ministries with Stephen Arterburn because they are faithful to God and in pursuit of His will, they have rescued us and many others from the darkness of sex addiction and so much more. Milan and Kay Yerkovich’s “How We Love” and their speaking at IiM opened our eyes to see the destructive ways we were acting that were further dividing us from each other and we really began to build intimacy into our marriage. Not a joining of the bodies but a joining of the souls is what we are daily discovering in our marriage. It’s not been easy and there have been set backs. Tim had to learn that he could not blame all his fear and shame and anxiety on me and hate me for it although there were some devastating slip ups. They were so devastating that he saw the damage he’d been doing and had done. Godly sorrow came and repentance, but it has been a process to change lifelong behaviors. These have caused me much pain in the past so  I am now super sensitive to him and how he’s feeling. Alarm bells go off when I feel him drawing away from me and closing himself off.  I then can talk with him and pray for him and more and more he’s opening up and being honest with me about how he’s feeling. In turn, he’s finding I’m not his enemy but likely his biggest fan.

Tim recently went to EMB in DC as Alumni. Once you’ve gone once you can attend the main sessions again for free. There were 8 men there as alumni and they formed their own group for meals. Tim came back again broken over all he’d done in our marriage, how he’d hurt me and our sons over the years, even more broken than the first time! Each of the men said they learned so much more the second time because they were now seeing it from a point down the road in recovery. There was a camaraderie, brothers in the battle.

We are both in New Life’s Sustained Victory Groups weekly and in counseling and Tim goes to SAA as well as occasionally a local church men’s group. We are in pursuit of how to live as God would have us live, how to love as God would have us love, each other, our families, people He leads us to.

So the journey continues but we believe we are ever closer than before! My days begin with a symphony of God’s word from many places! Tim and I both begin with Charles Stanley’s Devotion and Today on the Radio and God leads us from there. It is always amazing that all these sermons from different men and women in different places all seem to relate to the same point. There always seems to be a theme for what God is teaching us each day and it all confirms our destination and provides more things we need to know. It is as though each message was personally designed for us! I am overwhelmed at how the Lord has moved in our lives, is moving, breaking down strongholds meant for our destruction.

I have so much I want to write about, to share with everyone. It’s all crowded up there in my mind and down in my soul so it’s hard to start sharing it without spitting out a bunch of words on a page! Lol! For now, we are still on course for Hatteras Island and we are doing really well and we are overwhelmed at how the Lord is leading and teaching us, getting into every detail of every day. He is so good and so real…beyond anything we can imagine. Thank You, Jesus.





Early Saturday morning…

Early Saturday morning we were having our morning coffee and Tim said, “I had a dream last night.” I looked at him and he had tears in his eyes so I told him to tell me about it. We were on Hatteras Island and went into a little shop. Ma and Pop were in there running it. We visited with them and Tim said “This is the kind of shop we want to have down here.” Pop was running the register, taking care of people that came in. With tears, Tim said Ma looked at him and said “Thank you.”

“…a sober drunk…”

Listening to New Life Live on WAVA the other day,, one of the guys used the term ‘sober drunk’ and it peaked my interest and tumblers began to really click home. Tim is about to get his 9 month chip. He has not acted out in any way for 9 months, including pornography. Things should be fabulous, yes? A faithful husband is what I want! Why did things still feel so wrong, with little glimpses of right? We’d gone to Intimacy in Marriage and really learned there is a why to these behaviors and how to dig in and figure out the “why’s” so we could heal. We’d experienced what will ultimately be the answer but hadn’t quite attuned that in our hearts yet. I knew things were still not where they should be and he knew he was still not happy with our relationship, especially the physical part.

We’d learned to differentiate between non-sexual touch and sexual touch and how they should never be intermingled and this was where our struggle was. It is essential to have safe touch, to feel each others heart beating, to breathe together. Actual physiological things happen when we experience this, much the same as when our mothers and fathers held us. Until we began this after Intimacy in Marriage we were both two islands really. We’d dance around each other, one wanting one thing, the other running from it.

Tim had his behavior under control, he’d eliminated all the “illegal” ways of acting out and stopped doing those but now I had become the object of his acting out. I was the only “legal” avenue. This is what I thought I wanted, my husband lusting after me but NO! This doesn’t feel good. He had just taken his addiction and made me the drug of choice. A better choice than the others but still my soul was dying inside of me. Ironically, this all blew up on September 11th, 2017.

I’d gone to see my therapist and we’d discussed this and I’d told her he is saying and doing all the right things but we are still in this dance. Tim trying to manipulate circumstances and me trying to avoid the traps. This did not feel right and I said, “There is no heart change.” Just behavioral change. So when Tim got home that night we had a talk…well it began as a talk…it ended with me leaving knowing my marriage was over. Instead of listening calmly and responding he got defensive and then exploded with “How long is this going to take anyway? I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing, when are you going to get better?” That is a much abbreviated version. It was horrible because I was begging him not to speak with me that way and telling him he was really triggering me. I finally took my blood pressure and it was 198 over 100 and he finally stopped but much damage had been done. As reality settled over me and I tried to calm down I knew we were done, there was no way I could stay in this situation. I now knew it was abuse and to stay would just be stupid.

I gathered my purse and inhalers and got in the car not knowing where to go. I didn’t really have anywhere to go so I thought I’d go for a ride and figure it out. Thought about going to visit my sister in Woodstock, 2 and 1/2 hours away and realized I didn’t know if the car would make it there safely. New realities flooding in, my actual situation came home to my soul. I didn’t even have a safe car to drive away from this relationship in. Having no where else to go I went back home.

I don’t often lose control in anger but I was angry and I let him know every reason why and to save my life I had to get out of our marriage. He was not a safe person for me.

Tim was repentant. He’d been calling the entire time I was gone and I wasn’t going to answer the phone. I don’t think he expected me to come back. Then we talked. Then we watched and how to make your wife feel safe and how to deal with triggers and how to make restitution and all these shows and Tim’s eyes seemed to be really opened to the pain he’d been causing. With a pending possibility of separation sex was no where on the table and that ended “the dance”.

The following Friday we had a family conflict and that somehow drew our souls together. We didn’t blame each other, it had actually happened because Tim was trying to protect me. No one is used to that! Lol! He held me so that I could sleep and he’d put his hand where the pain is and gently press in to make it feel better. My mother used to have me press my stomach against her and that is the last time I experienced that kind of safe touch, except for with my babies and grandbabies. Our souls were becoming entwined in our mutual pain. Until Friday.

The AC had been acting up and with my asthma Tim was really worried about it because it had gotten hot. We were managing and then he said he was going to buy a little unit for the bedroom so we’d be cool in there until Robert could come and fix our ac. Being the end of the season they were out and he ended up making several stops on his way home but he’d gotten one. Tim had been busy all week because when I pointed out the car situation he saw how that would make me feel unsafe and he seemed to take personal responsibility for it. We are allegedly selling our house and we want to replace our car then and not borrow money. I literally go out alone like once a week so the car has not been a priority. He’d been working on taking care of repairs all week and I couldn’t sway him. He was determined and when I questioned him he said, “You will have a safe car, even if it’s to drive away from me.” Back to Friday.

It was hot and he was struggling to get the unit to sit right and get everything where it needed to be. I told him to calm, I was getting more and more anxious but he didn’t listen. He just exploded on me and horrible vitriol came forth from him. His real feelings just spewed at me and I was begging him to stop and he wouldn’t and my world was again falling apart before my eyes. At one point I was on the floor and he kept on raging. I can’t stay in that situation if I want to somehow allow God to redeem what is left of my life. The really sad part is my heart had already begun to harden from the time two weeks prior.

The following Monday was when I asked if I was a narcissist and was told no, that I was a victim of a narcissist. This was devastating because I was ready to be the bad guy. I’ve been told many times I’m the problem, how can they all be wrong? What had happened was I began to believe what I was being told. I’ve spent so much time in self examination looking for what I did wrong, what I’m doing wrong, what I might do wrong. My therapist calls me on it and I’m glad but you give me a negative event and I’ll work it all the way around to it being my fault. If it’s my fault the pain was self inflicted, not someone else hurting me, rejecting me. If I’m the problem I can control it. The bad guy can get good. I’m a victim? Tim and I dove into and he saw it. He saw the damage that he’d been doing to me and the damage that he’d been doing to himself and to our family. My symptoms are text book, his actions have been text book. Narcissism is pretty common in addiction. He saw it and he was broken.

My dad lived the last parts of his life as a sober drunk and a drunk drunk. He never went into recovery to dig out the pain that caused his addiction. He’d do fine for a while and a trigger would send him diving back into the bottle. When he was sober he was exercising great self control until he couldn’t. With Tim, up until the “diagnosis”, he’d simply been exercising great self control until he couldn’t. It’s how he’s managed it our entire marriage. Until times got tough and he’d blow up our world again. With this last explosion has come great repentance, what appears to be Godly sorrow. It’s difficult to trust in that but I’m not running out the door quite yet.

It’s been a little more than three weeks and every day is wrestling with the realities of where we are. God has been so active in all of it, getting me other women to get around when He knew I was going to be crushed again, I got into my Sustained Victory group and even went to a ladies night! I would never leave him alone because I was afraid of what might happen when I was gone. If I have to live in that fear, though, what kind of life is that? What kind of relationship is that? Not one that is healthy and I reject that.

Because Tim appears broken and repentant and changing, I am staying. The ball is really in his court. I just read this to him over the phone and he says to post it so here it comes!